Today is 5 days into the new year. So far I have survived. Wish I could say I am magically happy and everything is roses, but I'm still breathing. For the moment, that's enough.
Tomorrow is a big day for Ravyn....and possibly a bigger day for me. My sweet, adorable little blue-eyed baby girl will get her drivers license. I'm proud and scared to death. She has no idea how hard it will be for me to let her go out into the world. She's my baby after all. Now she is my only child.
I am so proud of her and look forward to seeing where life will take her. I pray the Lord will make me strong enough to let her spread her wings enough to fly. I want to hold her close, to protect her and keep her near me. I am selfish.
Wow. How did this day get here so quickly? It scares me how much like me she can be one moment, then in the next breath she is so incredibly different than I am. I hope that will make her a safe driver and awesome person. Lord please give me strength to survive.
As excited for her as I am, I cant help but be a little sad too. Gage wanted to drive so bad and never once got the opportunity. I know it had to have been so hard for him to watch his little sister drive while he couldnt. I know he's looking down rooting her on though. That's just how he is. Was.
One more day that is both happy and sad. I guess there will be lots of those before I learn how to handle everything. I love you Ravyn, in case you're reading this. Gage loved you so much more than you ever realized. I am proud of you.
NO TEXTING AND DRIVING!!!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
January 1, 2012
Well, like it or not, the new year is here. I survived the first day of my first year without Gage. I loaded up my car, loaded up my momma and Ravyn and we headed north.
When I need to just get away I always run to my big brother. Raymond can fix everything. After cowboy church we drove to Oklahoma of all places, lol, and spent the remainder of the day laughing, talking and just being together. I didn't even cry until everyone was asleep.
Major points for me.
Shawn wasn't able to come. His grandmother isn't doing well so he needed to go be with her. I know that I am failing him as a wife right now. It breaks my heart but I'm failing at a lot of things currently. Tressie is a beautiful woman, a sweet and wonderful soul. Like Gage, I'm sure she is ready to go home and be set free from a broken body and long time of illness. Selfishly I pray it's not her time yet. I just don't know if I can be the same rock for Shawn that he has been for me the past 5 months.
But for today, I'm going to try to just breathe and get through the next 24 hrs.
If you're reading this, odds are good I consider you a friend. Thanks for standing beside me the last 24 hrs, weeks, month, 6 weeks, 40 years. However long we have been friends. But most especially the last 330 days. January 31, 2011 was the beginning of the worst year in my entire life. My life will never ever be the same again. With the healing touch of my Lord and Saviour, perhaps it will be bearable.
I know the He has a purpose for everything. I also know He loves me. No one in this world loved Gage more than me. However God above loved him most. Gage will never be forgotten. With that peace I will do my best to heal.
When I need to just get away I always run to my big brother. Raymond can fix everything. After cowboy church we drove to Oklahoma of all places, lol, and spent the remainder of the day laughing, talking and just being together. I didn't even cry until everyone was asleep.
Major points for me.
Shawn wasn't able to come. His grandmother isn't doing well so he needed to go be with her. I know that I am failing him as a wife right now. It breaks my heart but I'm failing at a lot of things currently. Tressie is a beautiful woman, a sweet and wonderful soul. Like Gage, I'm sure she is ready to go home and be set free from a broken body and long time of illness. Selfishly I pray it's not her time yet. I just don't know if I can be the same rock for Shawn that he has been for me the past 5 months.
But for today, I'm going to try to just breathe and get through the next 24 hrs.
If you're reading this, odds are good I consider you a friend. Thanks for standing beside me the last 24 hrs, weeks, month, 6 weeks, 40 years. However long we have been friends. But most especially the last 330 days. January 31, 2011 was the beginning of the worst year in my entire life. My life will never ever be the same again. With the healing touch of my Lord and Saviour, perhaps it will be bearable.
I know the He has a purpose for everything. I also know He loves me. No one in this world loved Gage more than me. However God above loved him most. Gage will never be forgotten. With that peace I will do my best to heal.
Friday, December 30, 2011
A New Year
Tomorrow is new years eve. All day long I have had such an odd feeling in my heart and my stomach is in knots. 2011 has been awful. On one hand, I can hardly wait for this God forsaken 365 days of my life to be over and done with. Then when I think about it, and reality sets in, I almost panic......
2012 will be the first year in my life since 1991 without Gage. Just typing that makes me want to throw up. Literally. I have almost learned to deal with the constant pain in my heart, it's really a reminder that I'm still living. But this is a new type of hurt. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I turned 41 two weeks ago today. For 20 of those years I was Gage's mom. He defined me more than I ever defined myself. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with this process called grief. One day I am furious. I day I think of my beautiful son and can laugh a little. And then....I'm right back to a sobbing ball of worthlessness. Grief is a cruel, tricky emotion. I'm learning it has a life of its own and it takes you on a journey that you dont have much control over.
Being out of control is the worst thing for me. I dont like not being able to just "fix it". That's always been my job. I have always been the fixer, the peace keeper, the strong mom. Not now. Loosing Gage has definately put me on my knees. I guess that's why the saying says...when life gets too hard to stand, kneel. Well Lord, I'm kneeling.
I honestly did not know if I would be able to make it through Christmas without dying from a broken heart. But I did. Nothing was the same, nothing was right, nothing felt good. Nothing was truly happy for me. I saw Gage everywhere, in everything. Especially at church. The place I should feel the most peace actually seems to bring me the most pain. I hate that it's something I now have to force myself to do because I constantly look for Gage the whole time I am in God's house.
2012 is coming. Just like Gage's birthday, just like thanksgiving, and Christmas. I dont want it to and I do. I miss him so badly, like a suffocating weight of dispair crushing me. 2012 will be my first year without him. Jan 1, 2012 is the beginning of my life with none of his amazing smiles. A lifetime of neot hearing his voice saying "i love you mom"......never another hug. Right or wrong that makes me so so sad.
I miss you Gage.
I dont guess I will ever stop.
I can hardly wait to see you in heaven.
Be watching for me, I'll see you soon,
Love mom.
2012 will be the first year in my life since 1991 without Gage. Just typing that makes me want to throw up. Literally. I have almost learned to deal with the constant pain in my heart, it's really a reminder that I'm still living. But this is a new type of hurt. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I turned 41 two weeks ago today. For 20 of those years I was Gage's mom. He defined me more than I ever defined myself. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with this process called grief. One day I am furious. I day I think of my beautiful son and can laugh a little. And then....I'm right back to a sobbing ball of worthlessness. Grief is a cruel, tricky emotion. I'm learning it has a life of its own and it takes you on a journey that you dont have much control over.
Being out of control is the worst thing for me. I dont like not being able to just "fix it". That's always been my job. I have always been the fixer, the peace keeper, the strong mom. Not now. Loosing Gage has definately put me on my knees. I guess that's why the saying says...when life gets too hard to stand, kneel. Well Lord, I'm kneeling.
I honestly did not know if I would be able to make it through Christmas without dying from a broken heart. But I did. Nothing was the same, nothing was right, nothing felt good. Nothing was truly happy for me. I saw Gage everywhere, in everything. Especially at church. The place I should feel the most peace actually seems to bring me the most pain. I hate that it's something I now have to force myself to do because I constantly look for Gage the whole time I am in God's house.
2012 is coming. Just like Gage's birthday, just like thanksgiving, and Christmas. I dont want it to and I do. I miss him so badly, like a suffocating weight of dispair crushing me. 2012 will be my first year without him. Jan 1, 2012 is the beginning of my life with none of his amazing smiles. A lifetime of neot hearing his voice saying "i love you mom"......never another hug. Right or wrong that makes me so so sad.
I miss you Gage.
I dont guess I will ever stop.
I can hardly wait to see you in heaven.
Be watching for me, I'll see you soon,
Love mom.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Gage's birthday.
Gage's birthday came and went. The day started with rain. It fit my mood.
The day that he died, Ravyn and I were sitting on the bed with him, in the CCU of United Regional, talkin. I don't know if I was the only one who hadn't realized yet that Gage was leaving THAT day, but we weren't really saying goodbye yet, just talking. Everyone knows how bad the drought was this summer. How hot and oppressive the Texas sun was on everything. As he began to tire, and it finally sank in that this was our last day here on earth with him....Ravyn said, "bubba, if there really is a heaven, when you get there, make it rain so we'll know you're there." He was too tired to really answer her, but he met her eyes and smiled. That night, on our way back to Olney....as Shawn drove and my daughter and I sat in the back seat of my van, holding hands and weeping...it sprinkled.
I will never ever see a drop of rain without seeing my baby boy's face. To wake up to the thunder and rain on his birthday was almost more than I could stand. But, I got up, got dressed and did my best to face another day.
Shawn has asked me, on many occasions over the past two, OK 3, months, to go talk to someone. Those of you reading this who know me, will not be shocked to hear that I am a bit hardheaded. If you just stumbled across this blog by some twist of fate..I have no idea why they all think that. I am now in grief counseling. Why is it so hard for me say/type those 5 words? Perhaps because I am also a little controlling, and I should be able to deal with this all by myself. I feel like a failure, weak, because four months have passed, and I still cry every single day. Every. Single. Day.
We decided to remember Gage by having a balloon release. I expected my immediate family, 10 or so of us, to be there. For a last minute, thrown together idea, we were joined by almost 30 people who came to remember that Gage was here, for just a moment. And he mattered to someone besides me. My best friend and her daughter released balloons at the same time from 30 miles away. So I guess that made over 30 of us.
My fear is that he will be forgotten. Will I forget what his voice sounded like? Will I always remember how it sounded to hear him say "I love you mom"? Will I be able to remember that little crooked grin 40 years from now? Or will he just fade away like a ghost, a memory of some past person, from long ago. I know as his mom I wont ever forget his existence, but I'm so afraid I'll forget all those little things that made him....him.
Ravyn and I have decided to do this every year on his birthday. No matter where we may be, together or apart we will take his day, to write him a letter and send it to heaven. Just so he knows we still remember.
This week is Thanksgiving. I have been so blessed, and have so very much to be thankful for. My heart just isn't in it. I'll try to smile, do my best to get through the day and try not to let the fact that this will be the very first time since November 1991 that I have not had my firstborn with me for Thanksgiving. I will never have him with me for Thanksgiving again. By the grace of God, I will get through the day. I will thank God for my husband, my daughter and my family who loves me and has helped keep me from shattering into a million pieces.
I used to think I was pretty strong. Now I know I'm not. They say when life is too hard to stand, kneel. I'm on my knees. I will continue to look up until this wave of pain ebbs away. I will hold onto my faith, and try to take comfort in knowing that one day, I will see Gage again.
The day that he died, Ravyn and I were sitting on the bed with him, in the CCU of United Regional, talkin. I don't know if I was the only one who hadn't realized yet that Gage was leaving THAT day, but we weren't really saying goodbye yet, just talking. Everyone knows how bad the drought was this summer. How hot and oppressive the Texas sun was on everything. As he began to tire, and it finally sank in that this was our last day here on earth with him....Ravyn said, "bubba, if there really is a heaven, when you get there, make it rain so we'll know you're there." He was too tired to really answer her, but he met her eyes and smiled. That night, on our way back to Olney....as Shawn drove and my daughter and I sat in the back seat of my van, holding hands and weeping...it sprinkled.
I will never ever see a drop of rain without seeing my baby boy's face. To wake up to the thunder and rain on his birthday was almost more than I could stand. But, I got up, got dressed and did my best to face another day.
Shawn has asked me, on many occasions over the past two, OK 3, months, to go talk to someone. Those of you reading this who know me, will not be shocked to hear that I am a bit hardheaded. If you just stumbled across this blog by some twist of fate..I have no idea why they all think that. I am now in grief counseling. Why is it so hard for me say/type those 5 words? Perhaps because I am also a little controlling, and I should be able to deal with this all by myself. I feel like a failure, weak, because four months have passed, and I still cry every single day. Every. Single. Day.
We decided to remember Gage by having a balloon release. I expected my immediate family, 10 or so of us, to be there. For a last minute, thrown together idea, we were joined by almost 30 people who came to remember that Gage was here, for just a moment. And he mattered to someone besides me. My best friend and her daughter released balloons at the same time from 30 miles away. So I guess that made over 30 of us.
My fear is that he will be forgotten. Will I forget what his voice sounded like? Will I always remember how it sounded to hear him say "I love you mom"? Will I be able to remember that little crooked grin 40 years from now? Or will he just fade away like a ghost, a memory of some past person, from long ago. I know as his mom I wont ever forget his existence, but I'm so afraid I'll forget all those little things that made him....him.
Ravyn and I have decided to do this every year on his birthday. No matter where we may be, together or apart we will take his day, to write him a letter and send it to heaven. Just so he knows we still remember.
This week is Thanksgiving. I have been so blessed, and have so very much to be thankful for. My heart just isn't in it. I'll try to smile, do my best to get through the day and try not to let the fact that this will be the very first time since November 1991 that I have not had my firstborn with me for Thanksgiving. I will never have him with me for Thanksgiving again. By the grace of God, I will get through the day. I will thank God for my husband, my daughter and my family who loves me and has helped keep me from shattering into a million pieces.
I used to think I was pretty strong. Now I know I'm not. They say when life is too hard to stand, kneel. I'm on my knees. I will continue to look up until this wave of pain ebbs away. I will hold onto my faith, and try to take comfort in knowing that one day, I will see Gage again.
Friday, September 2, 2011
5 weeks later
One would think that in five weeks, the healing process would be a lot more advanced than it is for me. Maybe I am doing this wrong. I don't know...do you ever truly heal from loosing your child? Does this hole in my heart really shrink? Will I ever be able to smile, to laugh again without feeling guilty? Will I ever run out of tears? How do people survive things like this without faith?
Gage visited me last night. I woke up crying. Most of the time, I know I had dreams, and might even vaguely remember parts of one when I wake up. I remember this dream vividly. I just can't decide if it makes me feel better or not. LOL. Isn't that just like me? First he came to me as a baby. Doing that little hand over hand crawl that he learned. He had that same beautiful smile that just melted my heart from the very beginning. I was the only person in the room that could see him. Even in my dream I thought I was crazy. But he came to me, crawled up into my arms and cuddled. I woke up and I swear I could still feel the weight of him in my arms.
I went back to sleep and began to dream again. This time Gage was 19. And he was standing, and walking. I didn't even realize that I saw my son walk until after I woke up! I've waited 19 years to see Gage walk. This time Ravyn and I both could see him, and he spoke to us. We were outside and he had his arms around me. For the first time, in a dream, after not seeing him in 5 weeks, I got a hug from him with nothing between us. No wheelchair, no hospital bed, no tubes or hoses. He didn't look like what I always imagined an angel ( or someone who is in heaven) would look like. He just looked like Gage. Only healed. And happy. Then he had to go, and it felt like he died all over again. Cruel irony I suppose. But I am so thankful that he finally came to visit. The tears are worth it. The sadness is worth it. I pray that he will check in again someday.
Even as I sit here typing this, I feel like I have lost my mind. Maybe it was nothing more than a dream. And maybe it was a God given visit from my son. I choose to believe the latter. I don't believe at this moment I am ever going to recover from loosing him. It just hurts to damn badly. So every night I will continue to pray for Jesus to come soon, and I will live each day that He doesn't in a way that will please Him. I will do my best to make Ravyn feel surrounded with love. I want to make my friends know how important they are to me and to feel appreciated and loved. I am still buried alive with grief. Maybe I always will be. I hope not. There are a few good hours here and there. I have faith that those will grow.
If you see me, and I cry, it's okay. You don't have to try to make me feel better. You don't have to console me. Just smile, and know that I appreciate that you care. Keep being my friend. Say a prayer. I was born to be Gage and Ravyn's mom. With no doubt in my mind I know this. I will always be Gage & Ravyn's mom. It will take a long time for me to learn to be Ravyn's mom to the best of my ability. I will do my best. Making her proud is my biggest goal for now.
Dear Father, I love you. Thank you so much for all the blessings you have given me through out my life. You have blessed me with wonderful friends, parents that loved me no matter what I did or said, You gave me two precious children that saved me from myself. Father, I will hurt for and miss Gage until You come and take me home. I am so thankful to have Ravyn to love. Thank you for sending Shawn, even though I resisted and couldn't possibly see why You put him in my life when You did. Lord, I can not fathom what pain You must have felt at sacrificing Your own son, for me. To pay my debt. For my son, to save him. But I am grateful. I don't know if You allow our loved ones to visit in dreams, but if You do, please let Gage come again. Thank You for allowing me to see him walk. I pray that I can live my life for Your glory. I pray that when someone looks at me, they see You. I pray that You will bless us soon Lord with rain. We are in desperate need. In everything I do, let me make a joyful noise unto You. In Jesus' sweet name I pray. Amen.
Gage visited me last night. I woke up crying. Most of the time, I know I had dreams, and might even vaguely remember parts of one when I wake up. I remember this dream vividly. I just can't decide if it makes me feel better or not. LOL. Isn't that just like me? First he came to me as a baby. Doing that little hand over hand crawl that he learned. He had that same beautiful smile that just melted my heart from the very beginning. I was the only person in the room that could see him. Even in my dream I thought I was crazy. But he came to me, crawled up into my arms and cuddled. I woke up and I swear I could still feel the weight of him in my arms.
I went back to sleep and began to dream again. This time Gage was 19. And he was standing, and walking. I didn't even realize that I saw my son walk until after I woke up! I've waited 19 years to see Gage walk. This time Ravyn and I both could see him, and he spoke to us. We were outside and he had his arms around me. For the first time, in a dream, after not seeing him in 5 weeks, I got a hug from him with nothing between us. No wheelchair, no hospital bed, no tubes or hoses. He didn't look like what I always imagined an angel ( or someone who is in heaven) would look like. He just looked like Gage. Only healed. And happy. Then he had to go, and it felt like he died all over again. Cruel irony I suppose. But I am so thankful that he finally came to visit. The tears are worth it. The sadness is worth it. I pray that he will check in again someday.
Even as I sit here typing this, I feel like I have lost my mind. Maybe it was nothing more than a dream. And maybe it was a God given visit from my son. I choose to believe the latter. I don't believe at this moment I am ever going to recover from loosing him. It just hurts to damn badly. So every night I will continue to pray for Jesus to come soon, and I will live each day that He doesn't in a way that will please Him. I will do my best to make Ravyn feel surrounded with love. I want to make my friends know how important they are to me and to feel appreciated and loved. I am still buried alive with grief. Maybe I always will be. I hope not. There are a few good hours here and there. I have faith that those will grow.
If you see me, and I cry, it's okay. You don't have to try to make me feel better. You don't have to console me. Just smile, and know that I appreciate that you care. Keep being my friend. Say a prayer. I was born to be Gage and Ravyn's mom. With no doubt in my mind I know this. I will always be Gage & Ravyn's mom. It will take a long time for me to learn to be Ravyn's mom to the best of my ability. I will do my best. Making her proud is my biggest goal for now.
Dear Father, I love you. Thank you so much for all the blessings you have given me through out my life. You have blessed me with wonderful friends, parents that loved me no matter what I did or said, You gave me two precious children that saved me from myself. Father, I will hurt for and miss Gage until You come and take me home. I am so thankful to have Ravyn to love. Thank you for sending Shawn, even though I resisted and couldn't possibly see why You put him in my life when You did. Lord, I can not fathom what pain You must have felt at sacrificing Your own son, for me. To pay my debt. For my son, to save him. But I am grateful. I don't know if You allow our loved ones to visit in dreams, but if You do, please let Gage come again. Thank You for allowing me to see him walk. I pray that I can live my life for Your glory. I pray that when someone looks at me, they see You. I pray that You will bless us soon Lord with rain. We are in desperate need. In everything I do, let me make a joyful noise unto You. In Jesus' sweet name I pray. Amen.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Sometimes God says "No"
It's been 3 weeks since I held my son in my arms and watched him take his last breath. I held my daughters hand while she watched her brother die. How do you recover from that? I looked up into the faces of all those there, who love me, who loved Gage.....and none of them could answer my sobs of why. I didn't scream while I brought either of my beautiful children into this world. I screamed when my oldest left it.
The pain is no better today, I'm just no longer screaming out loud. Life goes on...that's what everyone tells me. Gage wouldn't want you to be so sad. Like I don't know that. The one that really gets me is " at least you got to have him 19 years...." Let me tell you, 19 years is not long enough!! And I do know that God will heal this horrible pain in time. I just hope I can stay sane until then.
My saving grace right now is Ravyn. She is truly my light in this suffocating darkness. As much as I want to just crawl into bed and wait for Jesus to come get me, I get up every morning for her. She's spent her entire life watching me take care of Gage. As hard as the last 7 months have been on me, they have been really tough on her too. I have to remind myself that she's not always so strong. Every one seems to think I am strong. They all need to look at my beautiful daughter to see strength. She amazes me. Together we will live and try to be happy. To enjoy life with the same enthusiasm Gage had. I love you Ravyn. I never loved you less. I will do my best to be the best mom I can to you now.
On Sunday, July 24, Gage's wound doctor came in to talk to me. While my first born child laid sleeping 5 feet from me, Dr. Mercer told me there was nothing left he could do. I remember him holding me, and telling me he was sorry. I think I may have cried. I'm pretty sure my knees bucked. I remember calling Shawn. I remember calling my mom. I remember looking up and seeing Ravyn walk in, her blue eyes holding tears she refused to let fall. Looking at her brother, being so kind. The next thing I remember of that day, Angela Barker walked into the room. I think I held it together pretty good til then. And for the next two hours, my best friend held me while the reality of what was happening engulfed me in waves of grief.
Monday morning Gage was talking to me and to Shawn when his doctor came to the room. I had prepared myself that Gage probably had a few months, possible several weeks left. I was preparing to bring him home. Get him back to Olney. Then Dr. C absolutely knocked the breath out of me when he said my son had, at best, a few days. Poor Shawn, bless his heart, it's a miracle he's been able to stay with me through our marriage. I don't think anyone ever imagines THIS LIFE when they say for better or for worse, in good times and in bad. MY LIFE is beyond worse. Well, for the past few months at least. Let me just take a minute to say the nurses at United Regional CCU are without a doubt, THE best people in critical care anywhere around us. Everyone of them, had Gage as a patient back in January - March. They all knew before I did what was happening. And they all surrounded me and Shawn and held me up, literally. I am so grateful to them, for knowing I was breaking, and for knowing Shawn was lost. He hurt, and he watched me crack under the knowledge that I was not strong enough in that moment to endure what God was asking me to.
We called in hospice. Those 4 words are a death sentence in and of themselves. Everyone knows what THAT means. I still was trying to make myself come to grip with days. How do you make your mind accept that your child, the one you've been fighting desperately to get well, has but days to live?? We called Brother Andy. I asked for the hospital chaplain. I prayed in my head, Jesus just take me too. Let me go with him. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! I looked up and saw Linda Stroud.
Funny how God puts people right where He wants them to be. She stayed with me until my mom could get everyone up, dressed and to me. She held me while Shawn took care of things that I just couldn't. She and Chambrie both went in to see Gage. Oh how that thrilled him. Then Sondria Kellar. Not many people can say they were there they day their friends child came into the world and left the world. He wanted to know about Waylon. Oh how he loved Waylon. And, all day, the last day I spent with my son here on earth, he worried about us. I can only pray that when my saviour comes for me, I will go with as much grace as my 19 year old did. He never seemed afraid. He stroked my hair, told me he loved me, and said...."don't cry momma...I'm gonna be ok." He had such a peace. I think it was 3 or 4 that afternoon when I actually realized he was going home that day.
If anyone reads this, I guess the most important thing I can say is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell the people that you love how you feel. There is no promise of tomorrow. Don't wait until you cant say it. Don't wait until you have to rent a sign in town to try and make up for years of lost moments.
I am so blessed that my coworkers made it possible for me to spend so much time with Gage. That God brought me such amazing friends. To have a family that stood by me when I needed their strength, for mine was gone. I miss him so much it's hard to breathe. I long for heaven so I can see him walk.
I will never be the same. I am so honored that God allowed me to be Gage's mom. He made me so crazy, angry, sad, and happy sometimes all in the same hour. Byron Gage Firestone saved me. I don't know where I would be if I had not been his mom. My biggest fear is that he will be forgotten. That thought shatters me. I will do my best to make sure he is never forgotten.
The pain is no better today, I'm just no longer screaming out loud. Life goes on...that's what everyone tells me. Gage wouldn't want you to be so sad. Like I don't know that. The one that really gets me is " at least you got to have him 19 years...." Let me tell you, 19 years is not long enough!! And I do know that God will heal this horrible pain in time. I just hope I can stay sane until then.
My saving grace right now is Ravyn. She is truly my light in this suffocating darkness. As much as I want to just crawl into bed and wait for Jesus to come get me, I get up every morning for her. She's spent her entire life watching me take care of Gage. As hard as the last 7 months have been on me, they have been really tough on her too. I have to remind myself that she's not always so strong. Every one seems to think I am strong. They all need to look at my beautiful daughter to see strength. She amazes me. Together we will live and try to be happy. To enjoy life with the same enthusiasm Gage had. I love you Ravyn. I never loved you less. I will do my best to be the best mom I can to you now.
On Sunday, July 24, Gage's wound doctor came in to talk to me. While my first born child laid sleeping 5 feet from me, Dr. Mercer told me there was nothing left he could do. I remember him holding me, and telling me he was sorry. I think I may have cried. I'm pretty sure my knees bucked. I remember calling Shawn. I remember calling my mom. I remember looking up and seeing Ravyn walk in, her blue eyes holding tears she refused to let fall. Looking at her brother, being so kind. The next thing I remember of that day, Angela Barker walked into the room. I think I held it together pretty good til then. And for the next two hours, my best friend held me while the reality of what was happening engulfed me in waves of grief.
Monday morning Gage was talking to me and to Shawn when his doctor came to the room. I had prepared myself that Gage probably had a few months, possible several weeks left. I was preparing to bring him home. Get him back to Olney. Then Dr. C absolutely knocked the breath out of me when he said my son had, at best, a few days. Poor Shawn, bless his heart, it's a miracle he's been able to stay with me through our marriage. I don't think anyone ever imagines THIS LIFE when they say for better or for worse, in good times and in bad. MY LIFE is beyond worse. Well, for the past few months at least. Let me just take a minute to say the nurses at United Regional CCU are without a doubt, THE best people in critical care anywhere around us. Everyone of them, had Gage as a patient back in January - March. They all knew before I did what was happening. And they all surrounded me and Shawn and held me up, literally. I am so grateful to them, for knowing I was breaking, and for knowing Shawn was lost. He hurt, and he watched me crack under the knowledge that I was not strong enough in that moment to endure what God was asking me to.
We called in hospice. Those 4 words are a death sentence in and of themselves. Everyone knows what THAT means. I still was trying to make myself come to grip with days. How do you make your mind accept that your child, the one you've been fighting desperately to get well, has but days to live?? We called Brother Andy. I asked for the hospital chaplain. I prayed in my head, Jesus just take me too. Let me go with him. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! I looked up and saw Linda Stroud.
Funny how God puts people right where He wants them to be. She stayed with me until my mom could get everyone up, dressed and to me. She held me while Shawn took care of things that I just couldn't. She and Chambrie both went in to see Gage. Oh how that thrilled him. Then Sondria Kellar. Not many people can say they were there they day their friends child came into the world and left the world. He wanted to know about Waylon. Oh how he loved Waylon. And, all day, the last day I spent with my son here on earth, he worried about us. I can only pray that when my saviour comes for me, I will go with as much grace as my 19 year old did. He never seemed afraid. He stroked my hair, told me he loved me, and said...."don't cry momma...I'm gonna be ok." He had such a peace. I think it was 3 or 4 that afternoon when I actually realized he was going home that day.
If anyone reads this, I guess the most important thing I can say is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell the people that you love how you feel. There is no promise of tomorrow. Don't wait until you cant say it. Don't wait until you have to rent a sign in town to try and make up for years of lost moments.
I am so blessed that my coworkers made it possible for me to spend so much time with Gage. That God brought me such amazing friends. To have a family that stood by me when I needed their strength, for mine was gone. I miss him so much it's hard to breathe. I long for heaven so I can see him walk.
I will never be the same. I am so honored that God allowed me to be Gage's mom. He made me so crazy, angry, sad, and happy sometimes all in the same hour. Byron Gage Firestone saved me. I don't know where I would be if I had not been his mom. My biggest fear is that he will be forgotten. That thought shatters me. I will do my best to make sure he is never forgotten.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
It's been a while
Mother's are supposed to encourage, nurture, help make their children strong enough to face life. Make plans and look to the future and be excited about what God and life will bring for their kids. Nobody ever thinks that our job might actually be to hold our son or daughters hand and give them the strength and courage to just stop fighting. Where is the handbook for that? I guess mine is the Bible. Whoever said God never gives you more than you can handle is a bald face liar. And you can tell them I said so.
I want to be mad at my son so badly. I sit here in the ER less than 24 hours after he signed himself out of the hospital against medical advice and I watch him sleep. And I weep. I weep for all the moments I know I am not going to have. For the smiles, the hugs, the "I love you mom"'s I am going to be cheated out of. I AM SELFISH! I want to be angry at God. again. This isnt fair. again. I dont want to let him go damnit! And then my Father whispers to me " he was never yours Holly...I just loaned him to you for a little while" well, He sure puts me in my place huh. 19 and 6/12 years ago every doctor out of 8 told me, this baby wont live the weekend. 3 days later those same doctors said, this little boy will never be much more than a vegatable...yeah doctors still used that term in 1991. And God whispered to me then and said "holly, I'm still in control" and He has given me one roller coaster ride of a life. But 19 and 6/12 years isnt long enough Father....I dont wanna say goodbye yet.
God never gives you more than you can handle...what a joke. I can't handle this. I cant do this. I cant breathe. I cant think. i cant sleep. I cant sit here, I cant leave. I cant give up, yet I cant make him fight. I dont want to spend what precious time Gage has, a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, fighting with him, being mad at him. But how do I go from fighting with all I have to keep him alive and healthy and as happy as possible to fighting to make sure he's as comfortable and pain-free and happy as possible until God is ready to take him home? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?!?!
How do I put my selfish want aside and focus on the fact that Gage will be whole in heaven? How do I keep my very human mind and heart on the fact that my son will WALK on the streets of gold with Jesus in heaven? There will be no more sickness, no more sorrow, no more darkness. I want to go too. I've prayed for 19 years to see Gage's first step. I want to see it!
I know I am not the first mother to loose a child. My own mother lost 2. I know I unfortunately wont be the last mother to loose a child. And I know I will live. My beautiful blue-eyed Ravyn will help me. And my Father will carry me when I cant walk on my own. My family will hold my hand. My friends will lift me up in prayer. I'm pretty darn blessed. I dont know what tomorrow holds, but thankfully, I do know who holds tomorrow.
God never gives you more than you can handle. That's a lie. But God walks through ever storm with you, He loves you through them all, and in the end, you either have enough faith to believe He can turn everything into something beautiful or you find you never really had any faith at all.....
Isaiah 43:1-3
I want to be mad at my son so badly. I sit here in the ER less than 24 hours after he signed himself out of the hospital against medical advice and I watch him sleep. And I weep. I weep for all the moments I know I am not going to have. For the smiles, the hugs, the "I love you mom"'s I am going to be cheated out of. I AM SELFISH! I want to be angry at God. again. This isnt fair. again. I dont want to let him go damnit! And then my Father whispers to me " he was never yours Holly...I just loaned him to you for a little while" well, He sure puts me in my place huh. 19 and 6/12 years ago every doctor out of 8 told me, this baby wont live the weekend. 3 days later those same doctors said, this little boy will never be much more than a vegatable...yeah doctors still used that term in 1991. And God whispered to me then and said "holly, I'm still in control" and He has given me one roller coaster ride of a life. But 19 and 6/12 years isnt long enough Father....I dont wanna say goodbye yet.
God never gives you more than you can handle...what a joke. I can't handle this. I cant do this. I cant breathe. I cant think. i cant sleep. I cant sit here, I cant leave. I cant give up, yet I cant make him fight. I dont want to spend what precious time Gage has, a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, fighting with him, being mad at him. But how do I go from fighting with all I have to keep him alive and healthy and as happy as possible to fighting to make sure he's as comfortable and pain-free and happy as possible until God is ready to take him home? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?!?!
How do I put my selfish want aside and focus on the fact that Gage will be whole in heaven? How do I keep my very human mind and heart on the fact that my son will WALK on the streets of gold with Jesus in heaven? There will be no more sickness, no more sorrow, no more darkness. I want to go too. I've prayed for 19 years to see Gage's first step. I want to see it!
I know I am not the first mother to loose a child. My own mother lost 2. I know I unfortunately wont be the last mother to loose a child. And I know I will live. My beautiful blue-eyed Ravyn will help me. And my Father will carry me when I cant walk on my own. My family will hold my hand. My friends will lift me up in prayer. I'm pretty darn blessed. I dont know what tomorrow holds, but thankfully, I do know who holds tomorrow.
God never gives you more than you can handle. That's a lie. But God walks through ever storm with you, He loves you through them all, and in the end, you either have enough faith to believe He can turn everything into something beautiful or you find you never really had any faith at all.....
Isaiah 43:1-3
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