God blessed me with a son on 11/08/91. Then He doubled that blessing with a beautiful blue-eyed daughter on 09/21/95. My saviour called Gage home on July 25, 2011. Life for me and for Ravyn will never be the same. Welcome to my journey.
Tomorrow is new years eve. All day long I have had such an odd feeling in my heart and my stomach is in knots. 2011 has been awful. On one hand, I can hardly wait for this God forsaken 365 days of my life to be over and done with. Then when I think about it, and reality sets in, I almost panic......
2012 will be the first year in my life since 1991 without Gage. Just typing that makes me want to throw up. Literally. I have almost learned to deal with the constant pain in my heart, it's really a reminder that I'm still living. But this is a new type of hurt. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I turned 41 two weeks ago today. For 20 of those years I was Gage's mom. He defined me more than I ever defined myself. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with this process called grief. One day I am furious. I day I think of my beautiful son and can laugh a little. And then....I'm right back to a sobbing ball of worthlessness. Grief is a cruel, tricky emotion. I'm learning it has a life of its own and it takes you on a journey that you dont have much control over.
Being out of control is the worst thing for me. I dont like not being able to just "fix it". That's always been my job. I have always been the fixer, the peace keeper, the strong mom. Not now. Loosing Gage has definately put me on my knees. I guess that's why the saying says...when life gets too hard to stand, kneel. Well Lord, I'm kneeling.
I honestly did not know if I would be able to make it through Christmas without dying from a broken heart. But I did. Nothing was the same, nothing was right, nothing felt good. Nothing was truly happy for me. I saw Gage everywhere, in everything. Especially at church. The place I should feel the most peace actually seems to bring me the most pain. I hate that it's something I now have to force myself to do because I constantly look for Gage the whole time I am in God's house.
2012 is coming. Just like Gage's birthday, just like thanksgiving, and Christmas. I dont want it to and I do. I miss him so badly, like a suffocating weight of dispair crushing me. 2012 will be my first year without him. Jan 1, 2012 is the beginning of my life with none of his amazing smiles. A lifetime of neot hearing his voice saying "i love you mom"......never another hug. Right or wrong that makes me so so sad.
Gage's birthday came and went. The day started with rain. It fit my mood.
The day that he died, Ravyn and I were sitting on the bed with him, in the CCU of United Regional, talkin. I don't know if I was the only one who hadn't realized yet that Gage was leaving THAT day, but we weren't really saying goodbye yet, just talking. Everyone knows how bad the drought was this summer. How hot and oppressive the Texas sun was on everything. As he began to tire, and it finally sank in that this was our last day here on earth with him....Ravyn said, "bubba, if there really is a heaven, when you get there, make it rain so we'll know you're there." He was too tired to really answer her, but he met her eyes and smiled. That night, on our way back to Olney....as Shawn drove and my daughter and I sat in the back seat of my van, holding hands and weeping...it sprinkled.
I will never ever see a drop of rain without seeing my baby boy's face. To wake up to the thunder and rain on his birthday was almost more than I could stand. But, I got up, got dressed and did my best to face another day.
Shawn has asked me, on many occasions over the past two, OK 3, months, to go talk to someone. Those of you reading this who know me, will not be shocked to hear that I am a bit hardheaded. If you just stumbled across this blog by some twist of fate..I have no idea why they all think that. I am now in grief counseling. Why is it so hard for me say/type those 5 words? Perhaps because I am also a little controlling, and I should be able to deal with this all by myself. I feel like a failure, weak, because four months have passed, and I still cry every single day. Every. Single. Day.
We decided to remember Gage by having a balloon release. I expected my immediate family, 10 or so of us, to be there. For a last minute, thrown together idea, we were joined by almost 30 people who came to remember that Gage was here, for just a moment. And he mattered to someone besides me. My best friend and her daughter released balloons at the same time from 30 miles away. So I guess that made over 30 of us.
My fear is that he will be forgotten. Will I forget what his voice sounded like? Will I always remember how it sounded to hear him say "I love you mom"? Will I be able to remember that little crooked grin 40 years from now? Or will he just fade away like a ghost, a memory of some past person, from long ago. I know as his mom I wont ever forget his existence, but I'm so afraid I'll forget all those little things that made him....him.
Ravyn and I have decided to do this every year on his birthday. No matter where we may be, together or apart we will take his day, to write him a letter and send it to heaven. Just so he knows we still remember.
This week is Thanksgiving. I have been so blessed, and have so very much to be thankful for. My heart just isn't in it. I'll try to smile, do my best to get through the day and try not to let the fact that this will be the very first time since November 1991 that I have not had my firstborn with me for Thanksgiving. I will never have him with me for Thanksgiving again. By the grace of God, I will get through the day. I will thank God for my husband, my daughter and my family who loves me and has helped keep me from shattering into a million pieces.
I used to think I was pretty strong. Now I know I'm not. They say when life is too hard to stand, kneel. I'm on my knees. I will continue to look up until this wave of pain ebbs away. I will hold onto my faith, and try to take comfort in knowing that one day, I will see Gage again.
One would think that in five weeks, the healing process would be a lot more advanced than it is for me. Maybe I am doing this wrong. I don't know...do you ever truly heal from loosing your child? Does this hole in my heart really shrink? Will I ever be able to smile, to laugh again without feeling guilty? Will I ever run out of tears? How do people survive things like this without faith?
Gage visited me last night. I woke up crying. Most of the time, I know I had dreams, and might even vaguely remember parts of one when I wake up. I remember this dream vividly. I just can't decide if it makes me feel better or not. LOL. Isn't that just like me? First he came to me as a baby. Doing that little hand over hand crawl that he learned. He had that same beautiful smile that just melted my heart from the very beginning. I was the only person in the room that could see him. Even in my dream I thought I was crazy. But he came to me, crawled up into my arms and cuddled. I woke up and I swear I could still feel the weight of him in my arms.
I went back to sleep and began to dream again. This time Gage was 19. And he was standing, and walking. I didn't even realize that I saw my son walk until after I woke up! I've waited 19 years to see Gage walk. This time Ravyn and I both could see him, and he spoke to us. We were outside and he had his arms around me. For the first time, in a dream, after not seeing him in 5 weeks, I got a hug from him with nothing between us. No wheelchair, no hospital bed, no tubes or hoses. He didn't look like what I always imagined an angel ( or someone who is in heaven) would look like. He just looked like Gage. Only healed. And happy. Then he had to go, and it felt like he died all over again. Cruel irony I suppose. But I am so thankful that he finally came to visit. The tears are worth it. The sadness is worth it. I pray that he will check in again someday.
Even as I sit here typing this, I feel like I have lost my mind. Maybe it was nothing more than a dream. And maybe it was a God given visit from my son. I choose to believe the latter. I don't believe at this moment I am ever going to recover from loosing him. It just hurts to damn badly. So every night I will continue to pray for Jesus to come soon, and I will live each day that He doesn't in a way that will please Him. I will do my best to make Ravyn feel surrounded with love. I want to make my friends know how important they are to me and to feel appreciated and loved. I am still buried alive with grief. Maybe I always will be. I hope not. There are a few good hours here and there. I have faith that those will grow.
If you see me, and I cry, it's okay. You don't have to try to make me feel better. You don't have to console me. Just smile, and know that I appreciate that you care. Keep being my friend. Say a prayer. I was born to be Gage and Ravyn's mom. With no doubt in my mind I know this. I will always be Gage & Ravyn's mom. It will take a long time for me to learn to be Ravyn's mom to the best of my ability. I will do my best. Making her proud is my biggest goal for now.
Dear Father, I love you. Thank you so much for all the blessings you have given me through out my life. You have blessed me with wonderful friends, parents that loved me no matter what I did or said, You gave me two precious children that saved me from myself. Father, I will hurt for and miss Gage until You come and take me home. I am so thankful to have Ravyn to love. Thank you for sending Shawn, even though I resisted and couldn't possibly see why You put him in my life when You did. Lord, I can not fathom what pain You must have felt at sacrificing Your own son, for me. To pay my debt. For my son, to save him. But I am grateful. I don't know if You allow our loved ones to visit in dreams, but if You do, please let Gage come again. Thank You for allowing me to see him walk. I pray that I can live my life for Your glory. I pray that when someone looks at me, they see You. I pray that You will bless us soon Lord with rain. We are in desperate need. In everything I do, let me make a joyful noise unto You. In Jesus' sweet name I pray. Amen.
It's been 3 weeks since I held my son in my arms and watched him take his last breath. I held my daughters hand while she watched her brother die. How do you recover from that? I looked up into the faces of all those there, who love me, who loved Gage.....and none of them could answer my sobs of why. I didn't scream while I brought either of my beautiful children into this world. I screamed when my oldest left it. The pain is no better today, I'm just no longer screaming out loud. Life goes on...that's what everyone tells me. Gage wouldn't want you to be so sad. Like I don't know that. The one that really gets me is " at least you got to have him 19 years...." Let me tell you, 19 years is not long enough!! And I do know that God will heal this horrible pain in time. I just hope I can stay sane until then.
My saving grace right now is Ravyn. She is truly my light in this suffocating darkness. As much as I want to just crawl into bed and wait for Jesus to come get me, I get up every morning for her. She's spent her entire life watching me take care of Gage. As hard as the last 7 months have been on me, they have been really tough on her too. I have to remind myself that she's not always so strong. Every one seems to think I am strong. They all need to look at my beautiful daughter to see strength. She amazes me. Together we will live and try to be happy. To enjoy life with the same enthusiasm Gage had. I love you Ravyn. I never loved you less. I will do my best to be the best mom I can to you now.
On Sunday, July 24, Gage's wound doctor came in to talk to me. While my first born child laid sleeping 5 feet from me, Dr. Mercer told me there was nothing left he could do. I remember him holding me, and telling me he was sorry. I think I may have cried. I'm pretty sure my knees bucked. I remember calling Shawn. I remember calling my mom. I remember looking up and seeing Ravyn walk in, her blue eyes holding tears she refused to let fall. Looking at her brother, being so kind. The next thing I remember of that day, Angela Barker walked into the room. I think I held it together pretty good til then. And for the next two hours, my best friend held me while the reality of what was happening engulfed me in waves of grief.
Monday morning Gage was talking to me and to Shawn when his doctor came to the room. I had prepared myself that Gage probably had a few months, possible several weeks left. I was preparing to bring him home. Get him back to Olney. Then Dr. C absolutely knocked the breath out of me when he said my son had, at best, a few days. Poor Shawn, bless his heart, it's a miracle he's been able to stay with me through our marriage. I don't think anyone ever imagines THIS LIFE when they say for better or for worse, in good times and in bad. MY LIFE is beyond worse. Well, for the past few months at least. Let me just take a minute to say the nurses at United Regional CCU are without a doubt, THE best people in critical care anywhere around us. Everyone of them, had Gage as a patient back in January - March. They all knew before I did what was happening. And they all surrounded me and Shawn and held me up, literally. I am so grateful to them, for knowing I was breaking, and for knowing Shawn was lost. He hurt, and he watched me crack under the knowledge that I was not strong enough in that moment to endure what God was asking me to.
We called in hospice. Those 4 words are a death sentence in and of themselves. Everyone knows what THAT means. I still was trying to make myself come to grip with days. How do you make your mind accept that your child, the one you've been fighting desperately to get well, has but days to live?? We called Brother Andy. I asked for the hospital chaplain. I prayed in my head, Jesus just take me too. Let me go with him. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! I looked up and saw Linda Stroud.
Funny how God puts people right where He wants them to be. She stayed with me until my mom could get everyone up, dressed and to me. She held me while Shawn took care of things that I just couldn't. She and Chambrie both went in to see Gage. Oh how that thrilled him. Then Sondria Kellar. Not many people can say they were there they day their friends child came into the world and left the world. He wanted to know about Waylon. Oh how he loved Waylon. And, all day, the last day I spent with my son here on earth, he worried about us. I can only pray that when my saviour comes for me, I will go with as much grace as my 19 year old did. He never seemed afraid. He stroked my hair, told me he loved me, and said...."don't cry momma...I'm gonna be ok." He had such a peace. I think it was 3 or 4 that afternoon when I actually realized he was going home that day.
If anyone reads this, I guess the most important thing I can say is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell the people that you love how you feel. There is no promise of tomorrow. Don't wait until you cant say it. Don't wait until you have to rent a sign in town to try and make up for years of lost moments.
I am so blessed that my coworkers made it possible for me to spend so much time with Gage. That God brought me such amazing friends. To have a family that stood by me when I needed their strength, for mine was gone. I miss him so much it's hard to breathe. I long for heaven so I can see him walk.
I will never be the same. I am so honored that God allowed me to be Gage's mom. He made me so crazy, angry, sad, and happy sometimes all in the same hour. Byron Gage Firestone saved me. I don't know where I would be if I had not been his mom. My biggest fear is that he will be forgotten. That thought shatters me. I will do my best to make sure he is never forgotten.
Mother's are supposed to encourage, nurture, help make their children strong enough to face life. Make plans and look to the future and be excited about what God and life will bring for their kids. Nobody ever thinks that our job might actually be to hold our son or daughters hand and give them the strength and courage to just stop fighting. Where is the handbook for that? I guess mine is the Bible. Whoever said God never gives you more than you can handle is a bald face liar. And you can tell them I said so.
I want to be mad at my son so badly. I sit here in the ER less than 24 hours after he signed himself out of the hospital against medical advice and I watch him sleep. And I weep. I weep for all the moments I know I am not going to have. For the smiles, the hugs, the "I love you mom"'s I am going to be cheated out of. I AM SELFISH! I want to be angry at God. again. This isnt fair. again. I dont want to let him go damnit! And then my Father whispers to me " he was never yours Holly...I just loaned him to you for a little while" well, He sure puts me in my place huh. 19 and 6/12 years ago every doctor out of 8 told me, this baby wont live the weekend. 3 days later those same doctors said, this little boy will never be much more than a vegatable...yeah doctors still used that term in 1991. And God whispered to me then and said "holly, I'm still in control" and He has given me one roller coaster ride of a life. But 19 and 6/12 years isnt long enough Father....I dont wanna say goodbye yet.
God never gives you more than you can handle...what a joke. I can't handle this. I cant do this. I cant breathe. I cant think. i cant sleep. I cant sit here, I cant leave. I cant give up, yet I cant make him fight. I dont want to spend what precious time Gage has, a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, fighting with him, being mad at him. But how do I go from fighting with all I have to keep him alive and healthy and as happy as possible to fighting to make sure he's as comfortable and pain-free and happy as possible until God is ready to take him home? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?!?!
How do I put my selfish want aside and focus on the fact that Gage will be whole in heaven? How do I keep my very human mind and heart on the fact that my son will WALK on the streets of gold with Jesus in heaven? There will be no more sickness, no more sorrow, no more darkness. I want to go too. I've prayed for 19 years to see Gage's first step. I want to see it!
I know I am not the first mother to loose a child. My own mother lost 2. I know I unfortunately wont be the last mother to loose a child. And I know I will live. My beautiful blue-eyed Ravyn will help me. And my Father will carry me when I cant walk on my own. My family will hold my hand. My friends will lift me up in prayer. I'm pretty darn blessed. I dont know what tomorrow holds, but thankfully, I do know who holds tomorrow.
God never gives you more than you can handle. That's a lie. But God walks through ever storm with you, He loves you through them all, and in the end, you either have enough faith to believe He can turn everything into something beautiful or you find you never really had any faith at all.....
Those of you who are on Facebook have heard this before...I'm ready to go home. Shawn is ready to go home. Gage is probably most ready to go home. But that's not possible now, so our home away from home is the Rathgeber Hospitality House right across the street from United Regional. Its NOT home, but it's fairly close. The best part about this whole ordeal is we have a maid....I always wanted a maid. That whole "be careful what you ask for" has a whole new meaning to me now.
If you are like me, Im sure you have heard of the Rathgeber House. i've seen letters to the editor in the paper. i've heard people talk about staying here. and i never really thought twice about it. i've always been a big supporter of the Ronald McDonald House ( even though i vow to NEVER eat in mcdonalds again). but let me tell you, this place is a resting place for the weary. if you dont believe in angels, come by here and let me introduce you to a few. shawn and i kind of feel like we own the place..lol. i just cant tell you how incredibly important it is to be less than 5 minutes from gage. twice during our stay here so far he crashed, and even with the ice and snow we were in his room in CCU in 5 minutes from the call. there is not a price in the world that can be placed on that.
for $35 a night people who are grieving, who are scared out of their minds, who have cried until they are numb can find a place to recharge their body, mind and soul. its not the hilton. its something far better. every person on the staff here knows us by name, knows gage's name and condition, and stops what they are doing when they see one of us to see how he is. sally and donna feel like sisters. no telling how many blouses ive ruined over the last 36 days. but they smile when they see me, ask if i need anything, want to know about ravyn, am i ok, have i eaten....everyone around me asks that alot for some reason..
i dont know who might stubble across these words, but if you give to charity, if your church sponsors worthy causes, if your sewing club has pet projects...im praying you will consider this amazing place. its hard to rest when your afraid the person you love wont make it thru the night. its hard to eat when your baby hasnt had food in 36 days. its really hard to sit in a hospital room day and night with fear and grief eating away at you. to walk in the door and have someone come hug you and ask about your situation means the world to you. knowing someone is praying, is listening, just cares can give you the courage to face tomorrow. i am blessed to have a church family who supports me. i am extra blessed to have family close enough to come keep me sane. and the friends God has graced me with have absolutely no idea how much i love them. the prayers that surround and support us truly help me take one more step, one more breath, one more day. we've met others here that are too far from home to have that support. but they get it here. we are a family.
i've seen people loose their loved one. and i grieve with them. these people who have crossed my path in life have changed me. i may never see them again. i hope that some time in the future they will think of us, and say a prayer for us. i know i will for them. i look at Gage and forget to breathe when i remember those 17 days that i just didnt know if God would allow me to keep him. the people here loved me thru the pain. and they didnt have to. they didnt know me. that's just what angels do.
ive had so many people ask me "what can i do?" for gage all anyone can do is pray. send a card. if you're really brave, text him ( 940-212-0515) but be forewarned...he will respond...A LOT..lol. he's bored to tears. what can i say. but if you really want to make a difference you can send $35 to the rathgeber house now and then in honor of Gage Firestone. it may pay for a night of peace and comfort for a mother who has no one else some night. it may provide a place to lay down for a little while and just cry in peace for a son/daughter who is saying goodbye to their parent. it might just provide a shelter for you, God forbid, some day in the future when you have no other place to go when someone you love is critically ill.
I am blessed. Im not hungry. I have a bed to rest on. Warm water to bathe in. Clean clothes to wear. Family & friends who care about us, who love us and are praying for us. People all around me who stay in touch and are concerned. 36 days is a long time to be stressed and worried and away from home. Rathgeber Hospitality House is a light in the darkness. Ya'll know how much I hate the darkness.
I hope that someone reading this will be able to help out. If everyone I know could just send $5, imagine what a difference that could make for somone. God tells us to help those around us. All anyone can really do for Gage is pray. Shawn and I are ok for now. When we are back on our feet, I will be sending what I can to this amazing place. I will gladly do without a few things to know some mother who is here with a critically sick child has a clean safe place to try to rest. To know some son/daughter has a quiet place to go when its time to say goodbye to a parent. If you ACTIVELY want to do something worthy, send what you can, five dollars or 500 dollars, in honor of Gage. All I ask is that you pass along the word. This IS God's work. And be sure to put Matthew 25:35-40 on your note.....
35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Today is March 1st. I sit here lookin out across wichita falls and see all the cars, people walkin and going on with their lives. I cant believe we have been here 30 days. an entire month lost. Im so grateful to still have my son, but i am so tired of being in a hospital room. The Rathgeber House is a God send, and we are so thankful to be here, but we want to go home. selfish huh?
you dont realize all the little things you take for granted until you have to do without them, or until they are just flat gone. i miss my dogs. i miss being able to cook a meal. i miss work. and our church. the things that make life your own. i miss passing people on the street and waving, no one does that in wichita falls. i always take olney for granted until i've been away for a little while.
Gage got a bigger room yesterday, he's calling it his "apartment"...it has a nice view, so that is something to be thankful for! The respitory therapists have brought a "cap" to put on the end of his trach tube to help him talk. In 19 years, i havent seen much that phases him, but everytime they put that cap on, he has pure terror on his face. it just breaks my heart to not be able to do anything about it. There is something just wrong about being so helpless. There is so much about this whole thing that i dont have answers to. i pray for wisdom to help get him through the hard days.
The blood infection is back. Or they never really got rid of it, im not sure which statement is the most accurate. How ANYTHING can live through all the antibiotics he's had in the past 30 days just boggles my mind. He has another urinary tract infection. His left lung shows an air pocket, which is good news. the right lung is still not functioning like it should. pneumonia just wants to hang around. Gage doesnt want to sleep. He told me yesterday that he's afraid to go to sleep, because he's afraid he wont wake up. He's still critical so i cant even reassure him that he's fine. What does a mom say to her child to give him peace when she is terrified herself?
I am absolutely floored by all the prayers, cards, calls, texts and visits we have had. to look up and see a familiar face is worth a pile of gold. God has blessed us with people who not only care, but take time to show it. i know that everything happens for a reason, and i may never know the reason we are going thru this, but i am ready for the lesson to be over. We have learned how many people care about us. we have learned we can get through so many obstacles because we have God on our side. a crystal ball would be nice, because everyone knows patience is NOT my virtue...but i know that when i think i cant keep going, all i have to do is look around. i have multitude of friends who are just waiting to hold my hand and walk with me. I love ya'll. Thanks for checking on us, for praying for us, for the calls and texts emails and FB posts. It means more than you can imagine.
This had to be, without a doubt, one of the worst 2 weeks of my life. Without my faith, my family & my friends I would probably be in the state hospital or drugged out of my mind somewhere right about now. i have been Gage's mom for half my life. i dont know how to be anything else. i cant even begin to fathom what life would be like without him in it...and here all these doctors, all these nurses, even my pastor are telling me that I need to prepare myself that my son would probably not be coming home with me. HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR THAT? if you dont know the answer to that retorical question, please let me tell you...you dont. you cant. there is absolutely no way. Gage called me at work about 3:30 on friday jan 28 and told me he felt bad. this is very unusual for him. he feels bad more often than not lately, but he usually just doesnt complain about it. he said he hurt all over, and he was freezing, and that he had a really bad headache. since he has a shunt, these symptoms always make me nervous. i told him i would be leaving jacksboro in about 20 min and if he wasnt feeling any better i would take him to the ER. my mom was already at the hospital with terri wipperman so i called him back and told him to go ahead and go on over to the hospital and i would head to olney. the dr on call did a few tests, and when the flu test came back negative, sent us home. i was not happy and quite surprised actually. they had already started an IV, i explained about his medical history, explained how even though 101.8 fever isnt that high for most people, its pretty high for gage, he still felt he was ok enough to go home....so we went home. i had a nagging thought in the back of my mind that i should load him up and bring him on to wichita falls, but for some reason, i didnt do it. Saturday came and he felt a little better off and on thru the day, but the fever kept coming back everytime the tylenol would start to wear off. mostly he just wanted to sit on the couch next to me and be still. something else completely unusual for him. Michael Wipperman passed away that night, and I remember him going to his room and crying. He went to bed and was listening to his radio. We had a benifit meal planned at our church the next day for Terri and the Neeleys, and he wanted to go. we got up Sunday morning, and he was still running over 100 degrees fever so I told him he had to stay home. He didnt argue with me, and i should have known right then that he was very sick. I made a blackberry cobbler and he asked Shawn to please make sure he got some, so we got to church and Shawn fixed him a plate of food and a bowl of cobbler. I think he took about 3 bites and that was it. About 5 pm he started throwing up. Monday morning Jan 31 i called dr mankins office from work and made an appointment for Gage and Ravyn both. at 4. Ravyn had been fighting a viral infection and i really thought thats what was wrong with him too. At 2;30 becky spurlock called me. ( God thing )She was his home health nurse that day. She told me he needed to go to the hospital, and i remember saying that we had an appointment with dr mankins at 4...and she said holly, he wont be here at 4. and i thought....how odd, where's he going? then she told me that his blood pressure was 52/40 ( i believe ) and his temp was 93.8. now my mind didnt even comprehend this at first. and when it sunk in, i told her to do whatever she needed to do. in less than 20 minutes dr mankins was calling me. that's never good. he told me that gage was very sick, and that he thought he might be septic. i had no clue what that meant, but dr mankins told me that olney was not prepared to treat it. so he was sending gage to united. we were preparing for an ice storm and he was afraid if he didnt send him on, we would be in trouble. i trust dr mankins 100% always have. so off he went. i went to olney to ride to wichita with shawn, since he has 4 wheel drive. By the time we could get to wichita falls, they had Gage in the ER and had him on oxygen. As we walked in the door, they were preparing to put in a central line. warning sign #1. the doctor in the ER got that done, told us he WAS in fact going into septic shock and they were sending him to CCU. by the time we got from the ER to the 7th floor...things were going bad very quickly. in less than 10 minutes i watched my son fade. if you have ever watched someone you love struggle to breathe, you know how i felt. his O2 level just kept dropping and finally about midnight, they put a c-mask on him. this is basically an oxygen mask that pushes the oxygen into your lungs with pressure. they got him stable, and it had already started to sleet and was freezing rain some. we decided we better head back to olney to make sure my mom didnt attempt to get out on the ice, take care of the animals, and get some necessities. Tuesday morning Feb 1st, we woke up to about 4.5 inches of snow over about 2 inches of ice. The CCU nurses called and said Gage was not doing well, but they knew the roads were bad and would keep us informed....bless their hearts, they just didnt know me yet. I looked at Shawn and said we have to get there. And he got me here. It took almost 2 hours. But my husband knew....and he got me here. we sat in CCU while the doctors debated about putting him on a ventilator. all day he grew weaker and weaker. he gasped. he struggled. Finally about 7pm we had to get something to eat. We hadnt had anything all day and were both about to drop. So we ran to subway and got some sandwiches....and had a flat. in 17 degree weather. with no spare. shawn called a friend, and he came to our rescue but gage texted me askin where we were. i explained what was going on and that we would be right back. 20 minutes later as we pulled into the hospital parking lot, i got the last text from him for 15 days...it said "oh momma, I need you". i will never delete it. We ran, and as soon as we got to the 7th floor shawn went balistic. it was a good thing he did, because if i had, i might have been banned from the entire hospital. the doctor finally told us that he didnt want to put gage on the vent because he was afraid he wouldnt be able to get him off it, but that he really didnt have a choice. they asked us to wait in the lobby, said it would take about 10 min...yeah right After about 40 minutes I told Shawn, i cant wait anymore, i hafta know whats going on. so back into CCU i went. They werent that happy to see me, but im used to that...they had turned the ventilator up to the highest setting it has. and his oxygen levels were still not good. one of the nurses asked if would had some where to stay. some how ( God at work ) she got us the last room at the Rathgeber house. that night/next morning we left the hospital about 1:45 and his nurse called at 4:30. gage had crashed. i've never dressed so fast in my life. Shawn and I ran across the ice and snow and to the 7th floor, terrified of what we would find. at 7 am that morning they told me he had ARDS. acute respitory distress syndrome. nothing about this is good. i had never heard of it.wish i still didnt know what it was. we sat by his bed all day. i willed the numbers on the monitors to stay stable. they brought in 3 IV poles, with 3 pumps each, plus piggy back lines. 13 lines in all plugged into my child. shawn and i discussed it and decided that ravyn needed to come. i called my mom and told her that i didnt think gage was gonna live. we started asking for prayer. ever person i knew i asked to put us on their prayer list. if your church has a prayer chain, please get him on it. from hawaii to alaska to Texas people were praying. ARE praying. people we know, people who we are aquainted with, people who dont know us from adam. and i could FEEL the prayers. yes, i realize this sounds weird. but i could. it kept me standing. for 18 hours we stood there, we cried, we prayed, i begged, i even threatened him...dont you dare die byron gage! you have NEVER seen me as pissed off as i will be if you leave me. and God knows i meant it. Thurs the 3rd around 2 pm his wound care physican, dr mercer, came in. when he saw the settings on the ventilator, he went nuts. he started hollerin for the other drs, just furious with them, and explaining to me that they were in very real danger of popping gage's lungs. he stepped on some toys, and possibly made a few enemies that day, but he brought in a 2nd ventilator, the nitric oxide vent, and although he didnt get the pressure down as low as he wanted, he did get it down several levels. i feel without a doubt, he saved my son's life that day. ( God thing ) those of you who know me, know that i need knowledge. i decided to start researching all this stuff they say is wrong with my son. sepsis, ARDS, pulmonary adema, mrsa, etc etc. i just thought i was afraid. after reading what the odds are with each of these problems ON THEIR OWN i was sick with fear...he had three fatal conditions. no wonder they werent telling me anything. one of the nurses happens to be married to a man that used to rodeo/cowboy with shawn. she told me to stop reading things and just let them take care of gage. and i explained to her that that was just not my nature. i need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW. how can i care for my child if i dont know what is going on and what is coming? so she told me that she would get me information on everything. she didnt want to, but at least she would know that what i was reading was accurate. and she was very very hesitant to give me the information. but im very grateful that she did. as afraid as i am, as over protective and maybe even neurotic as it made me....im educated. For 9 days gage lingered in the coma. For 9 days every doctor on the 7th floor thought he would die. For 7 days I cried, I prayed, I begged, I bargained. i talked to 4 different pastors. from 4 different denominations. from 4 different towns. and every single one of them told me to read Psalm 23. bro andy even brought me a book on the 23rd psalms. not any of them knew I read this to Gage the night they put him on the ventilator. not any of them knew i read this to Gage every time he's been in the hospital and they told me he might not make it. from birth. ( God thing ) Finally I went to the chapel and said ok God. I trust in you. I give this all to you. I dont want you to take my son, but I know You will get me thru whatever it is that is coming. then i sobbed. i've had several people tell me they were afraid i would loose my faith during this. i never lost my faith. my faith is what keeps me going. but what made me so afraid is that i KNOW God still answers prayers. but He doesnt always say yes.... God said yes to me one more time. Maybe it's because I am lucky enough to have amazing friends. People who believe, people who say "I will pray" and then they really truely do! Maybe He just gets sick of hearing from us and about us...I dont know. I know He loves me. I know as much as I love Gage, God loves him more. I forget that sometimes. I forget that my children dont belong to me. They belong to my king. He made them, and loaned them to me for a little while. But 19 years isnt long enough. 1000 years isnt long enough. I want so badly to say "why me", and every single time I think it, immediately the words "why not me" pop into my head. God lost His son, so He knows exactly what it feels like. He spared my son. Dont think for a second that my son isnt gone because God performed a miracle. The machines and the medication didnt hurt. The knowledge of the doctors didnt hurt. My God, the Lord almighty Himself healed my child. Of this I am certain. I dont know if there is a miracle limit. If there is, I'm sure we must be close. We have a long way to go. As long as i have my 12 Gage and my blue eyed Ravyn, my husband who loves me enough to drive 2 hours on ice and snow to get me where i HAD to be, friends who lift me up when I want to give up and a family who walks right beside me thru heaven and hell, I'll keep going. Dear Lord, I have no idea why you heard my cries and answered, but I am so grateful. I ask you to please bless my friends who have given me such strength. I hope they receive many stars in their crowns some day. Please hold my hand when I am afraid, and continue to carry me when I just got walk another step. Thank you father for giving me back my son, thank you father for letting me Gage and Ravyn's mom. I love you Lord. Thank you so much for all my blessings. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Well now that the crisis is about over, I've figured out how to do a blog...maybe. I have no idea if anyone other than myself will ever read any of these, but it cant hurt to vent and maybe this will save some FB posts. From this point further, please note I will not be paying much attention to proper grammer, punctuation or any English rules what so ever. I just want to put my thoughts down, if for nothing else, maybe some day Gage & Ravyn will want to read them.
when i walked into room 745 in the CCU this morning, i never dreamed that i would see my son not only awake again, but actually tryin to text. i cant believe its been 2 weeks ago today that this nightmare started. if anyone is reading this, it's probably because you are my friend or family member and you are on my facebook account. i hope you'll forgive the time travel in this blog. i plan to write randomly, as things come to mind. the last 19 years have been, to say the least, a bumpy ride. to those of you who have been along with me, i cant thank you enough.
i actually have hope again that gage will come home, and BE gage. i realize that we still have a long long way to go before that happens, but when you beat a life treatening condition, you just start to look forward. if you're lucky enough to battle THREE life threatening conditions all at once, and can survive...well then you pretty much have to know God has some great things in store for you.
Gage was diagnosed with ARDS, sepsis, and MRSA, not to mention a medley of lesser, but significant problems about 11 days ago. i will get to all those later maybe. maybe not. all i know is that a week ago today, i thought i would bury my oldest child. today, i see in his beautiful brown eyes that fire that has kept him alive when doctor after doctor has counted him out. the first time i heard "he wont make it thru the night" he was about 6 hours old. since his very 1st breath he has had to fight for every moment. i praise God that he is as strong willed as i am.
today, we start the next chapter in this crazy ride called life. physical therapy came and started the long road back from a 9 day coma. speech will come next. we will take hour by hour, and know that with the love and support of our family and friends and with all the prayers from near and far, we can make it. we WILL make it. i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. none of us do. i just know that with Christ on my side, it just doesnt really matter. this journey may take 3-6 months. thats what the drs are saying. but then again...9 short days ago they told me to be prepared to not take my son home alive.
this blog is dedicated to my children...Gage for showing me that with God all things truely are possible. And Ravyn, for being the light behind us all. Making us laugh when tears are everywhere, for helping me be strong enough to never give up, and for understanding that i know its not fair that you have to give up so much "mom" time, but that life is often just plain not fair.
