Feb 01 - Feb 13

This had to be, without a doubt, one of the worst 2 weeks of my life. Without my faith, my family & my friends I would probably be in the state hospital or drugged out of my mind somewhere right about now. i have been Gage's mom for half my life. i dont know how to be anything else. i cant even begin to fathom what life would be like without him in it...and here all these doctors, all these nurses, even my pastor are telling me that I need to prepare myself that my son would probably not be coming home with me. HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR THAT? if you dont know the answer to that retorical question, please let me tell you...you dont. you cant. there is absolutely no way.
Gage called me at work about 3:30 on friday jan 28 and told me he felt bad. this is very unusual for him. he feels bad more often than not lately, but he usually just doesnt complain about it. he said he hurt all over, and he was freezing, and that he had a really bad headache. since he has a shunt, these symptoms always make me nervous. i told him i would be leaving jacksboro in about 20 min and if he wasnt feeling any better i would take him to the ER. my mom was already at the hospital with terri wipperman so i called him back and told him to go ahead and go on over to the hospital and i would head to olney. the dr on call did a few tests, and when the flu test came back negative, sent us home. i was not happy and quite surprised actually. they had already started an IV, i explained about his medical history, explained how even though 101.8 fever isnt that high for most people, its pretty high for gage, he still felt he was ok enough to go home....so we went home. i had a nagging thought in the back of my mind that i should load him up and bring him on to wichita falls, but for some reason, i didnt do it.
Saturday came and he felt a little better off and on thru the day, but the fever kept coming back everytime the tylenol would start to wear off. mostly he just wanted to sit on the couch next to me and be still. something else completely unusual for him. Michael Wipperman passed away that night, and I remember him going to his room and crying. He went to bed and was listening to his radio. We had a benifit meal planned at our church the next day for Terri and the Neeleys, and he wanted to go. we got up Sunday morning, and he was still running over 100 degrees fever so I told him he had to stay home. He didnt argue with me, and i should have known right then that he was very sick. I made a blackberry cobbler and he asked Shawn to please make sure he got some, so we got to church and Shawn fixed him a plate of food and a bowl of cobbler. I think he took about 3 bites and that was it. About 5 pm he started throwing up.
Monday morning Jan 31 i called dr mankins office from work and made an appointment for Gage and Ravyn both. at 4. Ravyn had been fighting a viral infection and i really thought thats what was wrong with him too. At 2;30 becky spurlock called me. ( God thing )She was his home health nurse that day. She told me he needed to go to the hospital, and i remember saying that we had an appointment with dr mankins at 4...and she said holly, he wont be here at 4. and i thought....how odd, where's he going? then she told me that his blood pressure was 52/40 ( i believe ) and his temp was 93.8. now my mind didnt even comprehend this at first. and when it sunk in, i told her to do whatever she needed to do. in less than 20 minutes dr mankins was calling me. that's never good. he told me that gage was very sick, and that he thought he might be septic. i had no clue what that meant, but dr mankins told me that olney was not prepared to treat it. so he was sending gage to united. we were preparing for an ice storm and he was afraid if he didnt send him on, we would be in trouble. i trust dr mankins 100% always have. so off he went. i went to olney to ride to wichita with shawn, since he has 4 wheel drive.
By the time we could get to wichita falls, they had Gage in the ER and had him on oxygen. As we walked in the door, they were preparing to put in a central line. warning sign #1. the doctor in the ER got that done, told us he WAS in fact going into septic shock and they were sending him to CCU. by the time we got from the ER to the 7th floor...things were going bad very quickly. in less than 10 minutes i watched my son fade. if you have ever watched someone you love struggle to breathe, you know how i felt. his O2 level just kept dropping and finally about midnight, they put a c-mask on him. this is basically an oxygen mask that pushes the oxygen into your lungs with pressure. they got him stable, and it had already started to sleet and was freezing rain some. we decided we better head back to olney to make sure my mom didnt attempt to get out on the ice, take care of the animals, and get some necessities.
Tuesday morning Feb 1st, we woke up to about 4.5 inches of snow over about 2 inches of ice. The CCU nurses called and said Gage was not doing well, but they knew the roads were bad and would keep us informed....bless their hearts, they just didnt know me yet. I looked at Shawn and said we have to get there. And he got me here. It took almost 2 hours. But my husband knew....and he got me here. we sat in CCU while the doctors debated about putting him on a ventilator. all day he grew weaker and weaker. he gasped. he struggled. Finally about 7pm we had to get something to eat. We hadnt had anything all day and were both about to drop. So we ran to subway and got some sandwiches....and had a flat. in 17 degree weather. with no spare. shawn called a friend, and he came to our rescue but gage texted me askin where we were. i explained what was going on and that we would be right back. 20 minutes later as we pulled into the hospital parking lot, i got the last text from him for 15 days...it said "oh momma, I need you". i will never delete it. We ran, and as soon as we got to the 7th floor shawn went balistic. it was a good thing he did, because if i had, i might have been banned from the entire hospital. the doctor finally told us that he didnt want to put gage on the vent because he was afraid he wouldnt be able to get him off it, but that he really didnt have a choice. they asked us to wait in the lobby, said it would take about 10 min...yeah right
After about 40 minutes I told Shawn, i cant wait anymore, i hafta know whats going on. so back into CCU i went. They werent that happy to see me, but im used to that...they had turned the ventilator up to the highest setting it has. and his oxygen levels were still not good. one of the nurses asked if would had some where to stay. some how ( God at work ) she got us the last room at the Rathgeber house. that night/next morning we left the hospital about 1:45 and his nurse called at 4:30. gage had crashed. i've never dressed so fast in my life. Shawn and I ran across the ice and snow and to the 7th floor, terrified of what we would find. at 7 am that morning they told me he had ARDS. acute respitory distress syndrome. nothing about this is good. i had never heard of it.wish i still didnt know what it was. we sat by his bed all day. i willed the numbers on the monitors to stay stable. they brought in 3 IV poles, with 3 pumps each, plus piggy back lines. 13 lines in all plugged into my child. shawn and i discussed it and decided that ravyn needed to come. i called my mom and told her that i didnt think gage was gonna live. we started asking for prayer. ever person i knew i asked to put us on their prayer list. if your church has a prayer chain, please get him on it. from hawaii to alaska to Texas people were praying. ARE praying. people we know, people who we are aquainted with, people who dont know us from adam. and i could FEEL the prayers. yes, i realize this sounds weird. but i could. it kept me standing. for 18 hours we stood there, we cried, we prayed, i begged, i even threatened him...dont you dare die byron gage! you have NEVER seen me as pissed off as i will be if you leave me. and God knows i meant it.
Thurs the 3rd around 2 pm his wound care physican, dr mercer, came in. when he saw the settings on the ventilator, he went nuts. he started hollerin for the other drs, just furious with them, and explaining to me that they were in very real danger of popping gage's lungs. he stepped on some toys, and possibly made a few enemies that day, but he brought in a 2nd ventilator, the nitric oxide vent, and although he didnt get the pressure down as low as he wanted, he did get it down several levels. i feel without a doubt, he saved my son's life that day. ( God thing ) those of you who know me, know that i need knowledge. i decided to start researching all this stuff they say is wrong with my son. sepsis, ARDS, pulmonary adema, mrsa, etc etc. i just thought i was afraid. after reading what the odds are with each of these problems ON THEIR OWN i was sick with fear...he had three fatal conditions. no wonder they werent telling me anything. one of the nurses happens to be married to a man that used to rodeo/cowboy with shawn. she told me to stop reading things and just let them take care of gage. and i explained to her that that was just not my nature. i need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW. how can i care for my child if i dont know what is going on and what is coming? so she told me that she would get me information on everything. she didnt want to, but at least she would know that what i was reading was accurate. and she was very very hesitant to give me the information. but im very grateful that she did. as afraid as i am, as over protective and maybe even neurotic as it made me....im educated.
For 9 days gage lingered in the coma. For 9 days every doctor on the 7th floor thought he would die. For 7 days I cried, I prayed, I begged, I bargained. i talked to 4 different pastors. from 4 different denominations. from 4 different towns. and every single one of them told me to read Psalm 23. bro andy even brought me a book on the 23rd psalms. not any of them knew I read this to Gage the night they put him on the ventilator. not any of them knew i read this to Gage every time he's been in the hospital and they told me he might not make it. from birth. ( God thing ) Finally I went to the chapel and said ok God. I trust in you. I give this all to you. I dont want you to take my son, but I know You will get me thru whatever it is that is coming. then i sobbed. i've had several people tell me they were afraid i would loose my faith during this. i never lost my faith. my faith is what keeps me going. but what made me so afraid is that i KNOW God still answers prayers. but He doesnt always say yes....
God said yes to me one more time. Maybe it's because I am lucky enough to have amazing friends. People who believe, people who say "I will pray" and then they really truely do! Maybe He just gets sick of hearing from us and about us...I dont know. I know He loves me. I know as much as I love Gage, God loves him more. I forget that sometimes. I forget that my children dont belong to me. They belong to my king. He made them, and loaned them to me for a little while. But 19 years isnt long enough. 1000 years isnt long enough. I want so badly to say "why me", and every single time I think it, immediately the words "why not me" pop into my head. God lost His son, so He knows exactly what it feels like. He spared my son. Dont think for a second that my son isnt gone because God performed a miracle. The machines and the medication didnt hurt. The knowledge of the doctors didnt hurt. My God, the Lord almighty Himself healed my child. Of this I am certain. I dont know if there is a miracle limit. If there is, I'm sure we must be close. We have a long way to go. As long as i have my 12 Gage and my blue eyed Ravyn, my husband who loves me enough to drive 2 hours on ice and snow to get me where i HAD to be, friends who lift me up when I want to give up and a family who walks right beside me thru heaven and  hell, I'll keep going.
Dear Lord, I have no idea why you heard my cries and answered, but I am so grateful. I ask you to  please bless my friends who have given me such strength. I hope they receive many stars in their crowns some day. Please hold my hand when I am afraid, and continue to carry me when I just got walk another step. Thank you father for giving me back my son, thank you father for letting me Gage and Ravyn's mom. I love you Lord. Thank you so much for all my blessings. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Monday Feb 14, 2011

Well now that the crisis is about over, I've figured out how to do a blog...maybe. I have no idea if anyone other than myself will ever read any of these, but it cant hurt to vent and maybe this will save some FB posts. From this point further, please note I will not be paying much attention to proper grammer, punctuation or any English rules what so ever. I just want to put my thoughts down, if for nothing else, maybe some day Gage & Ravyn will want to read them.

when i walked into room 745 in the CCU this morning, i never dreamed that i would see my son not only awake again, but actually tryin to text. i cant believe its been 2 weeks ago today that this nightmare started. if anyone is reading this, it's probably because you are my friend or family member and you are on my facebook account. i hope you'll forgive the time travel in this blog. i plan to write randomly, as things come to mind. the last 19 years have been, to say the least, a bumpy ride. to those of you who have been along with me, i cant thank you enough.

i actually have hope again that gage will come home, and BE gage. i realize that we still have a long long way to go before that happens, but when you beat a life treatening condition, you just start to look forward. if you're lucky enough to battle THREE life threatening conditions all at once, and can survive...well then you pretty much have to know God has some great things in store for you.

Gage was diagnosed with ARDS, sepsis, and MRSA, not to mention a medley of lesser, but significant problems about 11 days ago. i will get to all those later maybe. maybe not. all i know is that a week ago today, i thought i would bury my oldest child. today, i see in his beautiful brown eyes that fire that has kept him alive when doctor after doctor has counted him out. the first time i heard "he wont make it thru the night" he was about 6 hours old. since his very 1st breath he has had to fight for every moment. i praise God that he is as strong willed as i am.

today, we start the next chapter in this crazy ride called life. physical therapy came and started the long road back from a 9 day coma. speech will come next. we will take hour by hour, and know that with the love and support of our family and friends and with all the prayers from near and far, we can make it. we WILL make it. i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. none of us do. i just know that with Christ on my side, it just doesnt really matter. this journey may take 3-6 months. thats what the drs are saying. but then again...9 short days ago they told me to be prepared to not take my son home alive.

this blog is dedicated to my children...Gage for showing me that with God all things truely are possible. And Ravyn, for being the light behind us all. Making us laugh when tears are everywhere, for helping me be strong enough to never give up, and for understanding that i know its not fair that you have to give up so much "mom" time, but that life is often just plain not fair.