Mother's are supposed to encourage, nurture, help make their children strong enough to face life. Make plans and look to the future and be excited about what God and life will bring for their kids. Nobody ever thinks that our job might actually be to hold our son or daughters hand and give them the strength and courage to just stop fighting. Where is the handbook for that? I guess mine is the Bible. Whoever said God never gives you more than you can handle is a bald face liar. And you can tell them I said so.
I want to be mad at my son so badly. I sit here in the ER less than 24 hours after he signed himself out of the hospital against medical advice and I watch him sleep. And I weep. I weep for all the moments I know I am not going to have. For the smiles, the hugs, the "I love you mom"'s I am going to be cheated out of. I AM SELFISH! I want to be angry at God. again. This isnt fair. again. I dont want to let him go damnit! And then my Father whispers to me " he was never yours Holly...I just loaned him to you for a little while" well, He sure puts me in my place huh. 19 and 6/12 years ago every doctor out of 8 told me, this baby wont live the weekend. 3 days later those same doctors said, this little boy will never be much more than a vegatable...yeah doctors still used that term in 1991. And God whispered to me then and said "holly, I'm still in control" and He has given me one roller coaster ride of a life. But 19 and 6/12 years isnt long enough Father....I dont wanna say goodbye yet.
God never gives you more than you can handle...what a joke. I can't handle this. I cant do this. I cant breathe. I cant think. i cant sleep. I cant sit here, I cant leave. I cant give up, yet I cant make him fight. I dont want to spend what precious time Gage has, a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, fighting with him, being mad at him. But how do I go from fighting with all I have to keep him alive and healthy and as happy as possible to fighting to make sure he's as comfortable and pain-free and happy as possible until God is ready to take him home? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?!?!
How do I put my selfish want aside and focus on the fact that Gage will be whole in heaven? How do I keep my very human mind and heart on the fact that my son will WALK on the streets of gold with Jesus in heaven? There will be no more sickness, no more sorrow, no more darkness. I want to go too. I've prayed for 19 years to see Gage's first step. I want to see it!
I know I am not the first mother to loose a child. My own mother lost 2. I know I unfortunately wont be the last mother to loose a child. And I know I will live. My beautiful blue-eyed Ravyn will help me. And my Father will carry me when I cant walk on my own. My family will hold my hand. My friends will lift me up in prayer. I'm pretty darn blessed. I dont know what tomorrow holds, but thankfully, I do know who holds tomorrow.
God never gives you more than you can handle. That's a lie. But God walks through ever storm with you, He loves you through them all, and in the end, you either have enough faith to believe He can turn everything into something beautiful or you find you never really had any faith at all.....
Isaiah 43:1-3
I keep telling Kevin that the way to think of these things is that God will not give you more than you and He can handle together. We can't take a lot of this...but God will lift your head and place your feet along the path He wills for your life. Know that you have so many praying for you and your family. God bless.
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