It's been 3 weeks since I held my son in my arms and watched him take his last breath. I held my daughters hand while she watched her brother die. How do you recover from that? I looked up into the faces of all those there, who love me, who loved Gage.....and none of them could answer my sobs of why. I didn't scream while I brought either of my beautiful children into this world. I screamed when my oldest left it.
The pain is no better today, I'm just no longer screaming out loud. Life goes on...that's what everyone tells me. Gage wouldn't want you to be so sad. Like I don't know that. The one that really gets me is " at least you got to have him 19 years...." Let me tell you, 19 years is not long enough!! And I do know that God will heal this horrible pain in time. I just hope I can stay sane until then.
My saving grace right now is Ravyn. She is truly my light in this suffocating darkness. As much as I want to just crawl into bed and wait for Jesus to come get me, I get up every morning for her. She's spent her entire life watching me take care of Gage. As hard as the last 7 months have been on me, they have been really tough on her too. I have to remind myself that she's not always so strong. Every one seems to think I am strong. They all need to look at my beautiful daughter to see strength. She amazes me. Together we will live and try to be happy. To enjoy life with the same enthusiasm Gage had. I love you Ravyn. I never loved you less. I will do my best to be the best mom I can to you now.
On Sunday, July 24, Gage's wound doctor came in to talk to me. While my first born child laid sleeping 5 feet from me, Dr. Mercer told me there was nothing left he could do. I remember him holding me, and telling me he was sorry. I think I may have cried. I'm pretty sure my knees bucked. I remember calling Shawn. I remember calling my mom. I remember looking up and seeing Ravyn walk in, her blue eyes holding tears she refused to let fall. Looking at her brother, being so kind. The next thing I remember of that day, Angela Barker walked into the room. I think I held it together pretty good til then. And for the next two hours, my best friend held me while the reality of what was happening engulfed me in waves of grief.
Monday morning Gage was talking to me and to Shawn when his doctor came to the room. I had prepared myself that Gage probably had a few months, possible several weeks left. I was preparing to bring him home. Get him back to Olney. Then Dr. C absolutely knocked the breath out of me when he said my son had, at best, a few days. Poor Shawn, bless his heart, it's a miracle he's been able to stay with me through our marriage. I don't think anyone ever imagines THIS LIFE when they say for better or for worse, in good times and in bad. MY LIFE is beyond worse. Well, for the past few months at least. Let me just take a minute to say the nurses at United Regional CCU are without a doubt, THE best people in critical care anywhere around us. Everyone of them, had Gage as a patient back in January - March. They all knew before I did what was happening. And they all surrounded me and Shawn and held me up, literally. I am so grateful to them, for knowing I was breaking, and for knowing Shawn was lost. He hurt, and he watched me crack under the knowledge that I was not strong enough in that moment to endure what God was asking me to.
We called in hospice. Those 4 words are a death sentence in and of themselves. Everyone knows what THAT means. I still was trying to make myself come to grip with days. How do you make your mind accept that your child, the one you've been fighting desperately to get well, has but days to live?? We called Brother Andy. I asked for the hospital chaplain. I prayed in my head, Jesus just take me too. Let me go with him. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! I looked up and saw Linda Stroud.
Funny how God puts people right where He wants them to be. She stayed with me until my mom could get everyone up, dressed and to me. She held me while Shawn took care of things that I just couldn't. She and Chambrie both went in to see Gage. Oh how that thrilled him. Then Sondria Kellar. Not many people can say they were there they day their friends child came into the world and left the world. He wanted to know about Waylon. Oh how he loved Waylon. And, all day, the last day I spent with my son here on earth, he worried about us. I can only pray that when my saviour comes for me, I will go with as much grace as my 19 year old did. He never seemed afraid. He stroked my hair, told me he loved me, and said...."don't cry momma...I'm gonna be ok." He had such a peace. I think it was 3 or 4 that afternoon when I actually realized he was going home that day.
If anyone reads this, I guess the most important thing I can say is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell the people that you love how you feel. There is no promise of tomorrow. Don't wait until you cant say it. Don't wait until you have to rent a sign in town to try and make up for years of lost moments.
I am so blessed that my coworkers made it possible for me to spend so much time with Gage. That God brought me such amazing friends. To have a family that stood by me when I needed their strength, for mine was gone. I miss him so much it's hard to breathe. I long for heaven so I can see him walk.
I will never be the same. I am so honored that God allowed me to be Gage's mom. He made me so crazy, angry, sad, and happy sometimes all in the same hour. Byron Gage Firestone saved me. I don't know where I would be if I had not been his mom. My biggest fear is that he will be forgotten. That thought shatters me. I will do my best to make sure he is never forgotten.
