5 weeks later

One would think that in five weeks, the healing process would be a lot more advanced than it is for me. Maybe I am doing this wrong. I don't know...do you ever truly heal from loosing your child? Does this hole in my heart really shrink? Will I ever be able to smile, to laugh again without feeling guilty? Will I ever run out of tears? How do people survive things like this without faith?

Gage visited me last night. I woke up crying. Most of the time, I know I had dreams, and might even vaguely remember parts of one when I wake up. I remember this dream vividly. I just can't decide if it makes me feel better or not. LOL. Isn't that just like me? First he came to me as a baby. Doing that little hand over hand crawl that he learned. He had that same beautiful smile that just melted my heart from the very beginning. I was the only person in the room that could see him. Even in my dream I thought I was crazy. But he came to me, crawled up into my arms and cuddled. I woke up and I swear I could still feel the weight of him in my arms.

I went back to sleep and began to dream again. This time Gage was 19. And he was standing, and walking. I didn't even realize that I saw my son walk until after I woke up! I've waited 19 years to see Gage walk. This time Ravyn and I both could see him, and he spoke to us. We were outside and he had his arms around me. For the first time, in a dream, after not seeing him in 5 weeks, I got a hug from him with nothing between us. No wheelchair, no hospital bed, no tubes or hoses. He didn't look like what I always imagined an angel ( or someone who is in heaven) would look like. He just looked like Gage. Only healed. And happy. Then he had to go, and it felt like he died all over again. Cruel irony I suppose. But I am so thankful that he finally came to visit. The tears are worth it. The sadness is worth it. I pray that he will check in again someday.

Even as I sit here typing this, I feel like I have lost my mind. Maybe it was nothing more than a dream. And maybe it was a God given visit from my son. I choose to believe the latter. I don't believe at this moment I am ever going to recover from loosing him. It just hurts to damn badly. So every night I will continue to pray for Jesus to come soon, and I will live each day that He doesn't in a way that will please Him. I will do my best to make Ravyn feel surrounded with love. I want to make my friends know how important they are to me and to feel appreciated and loved. I am still buried alive with grief. Maybe I always will be. I hope not. There are a few good hours here and there. I have faith that those will grow.

If you see me, and I cry, it's okay. You don't have to try to make me feel better. You don't have to console me. Just smile, and know that I appreciate that you care. Keep being my friend. Say a prayer. I was born to be Gage and Ravyn's mom. With no doubt in my mind I know this. I will always be Gage & Ravyn's mom. It will take a long time for me to learn to be Ravyn's mom to the best of my ability. I will do my best. Making her proud is my biggest goal for now.

Dear Father, I love you. Thank you so much for all the blessings you have given me through out my life. You have blessed me with wonderful friends, parents that loved me no matter what I did or said, You gave me two precious children that saved me from myself. Father, I will hurt for and miss Gage until You come and take me home. I am so thankful to have Ravyn to love. Thank you for sending Shawn, even though I resisted and couldn't  possibly see why You put him in my life when You did. Lord, I can not fathom what pain You must have felt at sacrificing Your own son, for me. To pay my debt. For my son, to save him. But I am grateful. I don't know if You allow our loved ones to visit in dreams, but if You do, please let Gage come again. Thank You for allowing me to see him walk. I pray that I can live my life for Your glory. I pray that when someone looks at me, they see You. I pray that You will bless us soon Lord with rain. We are in desperate need. In everything I do, let me make a joyful noise unto You. In Jesus' sweet name I pray. Amen.