Gage's birthday came and went. The day started with rain. It fit my mood.
The day that he died, Ravyn and I were sitting on the bed with him, in the CCU of United Regional, talkin. I don't know if I was the only one who hadn't realized yet that Gage was leaving THAT day, but we weren't really saying goodbye yet, just talking. Everyone knows how bad the drought was this summer. How hot and oppressive the Texas sun was on everything. As he began to tire, and it finally sank in that this was our last day here on earth with him....Ravyn said, "bubba, if there really is a heaven, when you get there, make it rain so we'll know you're there." He was too tired to really answer her, but he met her eyes and smiled. That night, on our way back to Olney....as Shawn drove and my daughter and I sat in the back seat of my van, holding hands and weeping...it sprinkled.
I will never ever see a drop of rain without seeing my baby boy's face. To wake up to the thunder and rain on his birthday was almost more than I could stand. But, I got up, got dressed and did my best to face another day.
Shawn has asked me, on many occasions over the past two, OK 3, months, to go talk to someone. Those of you reading this who know me, will not be shocked to hear that I am a bit hardheaded. If you just stumbled across this blog by some twist of fate..I have no idea why they all think that. I am now in grief counseling. Why is it so hard for me say/type those 5 words? Perhaps because I am also a little controlling, and I should be able to deal with this all by myself. I feel like a failure, weak, because four months have passed, and I still cry every single day. Every. Single. Day.
We decided to remember Gage by having a balloon release. I expected my immediate family, 10 or so of us, to be there. For a last minute, thrown together idea, we were joined by almost 30 people who came to remember that Gage was here, for just a moment. And he mattered to someone besides me. My best friend and her daughter released balloons at the same time from 30 miles away. So I guess that made over 30 of us.
My fear is that he will be forgotten. Will I forget what his voice sounded like? Will I always remember how it sounded to hear him say "I love you mom"? Will I be able to remember that little crooked grin 40 years from now? Or will he just fade away like a ghost, a memory of some past person, from long ago. I know as his mom I wont ever forget his existence, but I'm so afraid I'll forget all those little things that made him....him.
Ravyn and I have decided to do this every year on his birthday. No matter where we may be, together or apart we will take his day, to write him a letter and send it to heaven. Just so he knows we still remember.
This week is Thanksgiving. I have been so blessed, and have so very much to be thankful for. My heart just isn't in it. I'll try to smile, do my best to get through the day and try not to let the fact that this will be the very first time since November 1991 that I have not had my firstborn with me for Thanksgiving. I will never have him with me for Thanksgiving again. By the grace of God, I will get through the day. I will thank God for my husband, my daughter and my family who loves me and has helped keep me from shattering into a million pieces.
I used to think I was pretty strong. Now I know I'm not. They say when life is too hard to stand, kneel. I'm on my knees. I will continue to look up until this wave of pain ebbs away. I will hold onto my faith, and try to take comfort in knowing that one day, I will see Gage again.
