2012 will be the first year in my life since 1991 without Gage. Just typing that makes me want to throw up. Literally. I have almost learned to deal with the constant pain in my heart, it's really a reminder that I'm still living. But this is a new type of hurt. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I turned 41 two weeks ago today. For 20 of those years I was Gage's mom. He defined me more than I ever defined myself. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with this process called grief. One day I am furious. I day I think of my beautiful son and can laugh a little. And then....I'm right back to a sobbing ball of worthlessness. Grief is a cruel, tricky emotion. I'm learning it has a life of its own and it takes you on a journey that you dont have much control over.
Being out of control is the worst thing for me. I dont like not being able to just "fix it". That's always been my job. I have always been the fixer, the peace keeper, the strong mom. Not now. Loosing Gage has definately put me on my knees. I guess that's why the saying says...when life gets too hard to stand, kneel. Well Lord, I'm kneeling.
I honestly did not know if I would be able to make it through Christmas without dying from a broken heart. But I did. Nothing was the same, nothing was right, nothing felt good. Nothing was truly happy for me. I saw Gage everywhere, in everything. Especially at church. The place I should feel the most peace actually seems to bring me the most pain. I hate that it's something I now have to force myself to do because I constantly look for Gage the whole time I am in God's house.
2012 is coming. Just like Gage's birthday, just like thanksgiving, and Christmas. I dont want it to and I do. I miss him so badly, like a suffocating weight of dispair crushing me. 2012 will be my first year without him. Jan 1, 2012 is the beginning of my life with none of his amazing smiles. A lifetime of neot hearing his voice saying "i love you mom"......never another hug. Right or wrong that makes me so so sad.
I miss you Gage.
I dont guess I will ever stop.
I can hardly wait to see you in heaven.
Be watching for me, I'll see you soon,
Love mom.
