2012 will be the first year in my life since 1991 without Gage. Just typing that makes me want to throw up. Literally. I have almost learned to deal with the constant pain in my heart, it's really a reminder that I'm still living. But this is a new type of hurt. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I turned 41 two weeks ago today. For 20 of those years I was Gage's mom. He defined me more than I ever defined myself. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with this process called grief. One day I am furious. I day I think of my beautiful son and can laugh a little. And then....I'm right back to a sobbing ball of worthlessness. Grief is a cruel, tricky emotion. I'm learning it has a life of its own and it takes you on a journey that you dont have much control over.
Being out of control is the worst thing for me. I dont like not being able to just "fix it". That's always been my job. I have always been the fixer, the peace keeper, the strong mom. Not now. Loosing Gage has definately put me on my knees. I guess that's why the saying says...when life gets too hard to stand, kneel. Well Lord, I'm kneeling.
I honestly did not know if I would be able to make it through Christmas without dying from a broken heart. But I did. Nothing was the same, nothing was right, nothing felt good. Nothing was truly happy for me. I saw Gage everywhere, in everything. Especially at church. The place I should feel the most peace actually seems to bring me the most pain. I hate that it's something I now have to force myself to do because I constantly look for Gage the whole time I am in God's house.
2012 is coming. Just like Gage's birthday, just like thanksgiving, and Christmas. I dont want it to and I do. I miss him so badly, like a suffocating weight of dispair crushing me. 2012 will be my first year without him. Jan 1, 2012 is the beginning of my life with none of his amazing smiles. A lifetime of neot hearing his voice saying "i love you mom"......never another hug. Right or wrong that makes me so so sad.
I miss you Gage.
I dont guess I will ever stop.
I can hardly wait to see you in heaven.
Be watching for me, I'll see you soon,
Love mom.
You will always miss him, you will always look for him in anything and everything. You will cry, smile, laugh and fall apart...sometimes all in the same day...even the same hour. But you were his mom..Gage was your first born. I don't know that pain. And O wouldn't dare say I understand. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes and I haven't the right. I will say that you were the most awesome mom to him as you are to Ravyn. Times like this I think about the song..The Dance. We could have lived without a lot of the pain,disappointment,sorrow,heartache...but then....we would have missed out on the wonderful things that came with all of that. No one said life would be easy and losing your child I am sure is the worst pain of any out there. Just know that when you can laugh its Gage there with you making you laugh about something he said or did. When a memory pops in your head he is giving that to you for you to see and feel and enjoy. It hurts...and time does heal the horrible pain in your heart....but you know you would have missed out on some of the best and worst times of your life because through it all you loved him and he loved you.My dear friend are are dear to me and I for one will never forget him.So you need not worry so many loved Gage.I pray your heart finds the peace it searches for and it will in Gods time...With love and Hugs Nancy
ReplyDeleteYes Holly, I am no stranger to feeling out of control, in sadness, anger and frustration. All I can say is keep going out there... Engage life! Do things with your family and friends and keep at it. Set little achievable goals for yourself and make them happen, it eases the mind and gives you something to reach for instead of frustration. Its the best thing you can do for yourself, and Gage would want you to.
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