Today is 5 days into the new year. So far I have survived. Wish I could say I am magically happy and everything is roses, but I'm still breathing. For the moment, that's enough.
Tomorrow is a big day for Ravyn....and possibly a bigger day for me. My sweet, adorable little blue-eyed baby girl will get her drivers license. I'm proud and scared to death. She has no idea how hard it will be for me to let her go out into the world. She's my baby after all. Now she is my only child.
I am so proud of her and look forward to seeing where life will take her. I pray the Lord will make me strong enough to let her spread her wings enough to fly. I want to hold her close, to protect her and keep her near me. I am selfish.
Wow. How did this day get here so quickly? It scares me how much like me she can be one moment, then in the next breath she is so incredibly different than I am. I hope that will make her a safe driver and awesome person. Lord please give me strength to survive.
As excited for her as I am, I cant help but be a little sad too. Gage wanted to drive so bad and never once got the opportunity. I know it had to have been so hard for him to watch his little sister drive while he couldnt. I know he's looking down rooting her on though. That's just how he is. Was.
One more day that is both happy and sad. I guess there will be lots of those before I learn how to handle everything. I love you Ravyn, in case you're reading this. Gage loved you so much more than you ever realized. I am proud of you.
NO TEXTING AND DRIVING!!!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
January 1, 2012
Well, like it or not, the new year is here. I survived the first day of my first year without Gage. I loaded up my car, loaded up my momma and Ravyn and we headed north.
When I need to just get away I always run to my big brother. Raymond can fix everything. After cowboy church we drove to Oklahoma of all places, lol, and spent the remainder of the day laughing, talking and just being together. I didn't even cry until everyone was asleep.
Major points for me.
Shawn wasn't able to come. His grandmother isn't doing well so he needed to go be with her. I know that I am failing him as a wife right now. It breaks my heart but I'm failing at a lot of things currently. Tressie is a beautiful woman, a sweet and wonderful soul. Like Gage, I'm sure she is ready to go home and be set free from a broken body and long time of illness. Selfishly I pray it's not her time yet. I just don't know if I can be the same rock for Shawn that he has been for me the past 5 months.
But for today, I'm going to try to just breathe and get through the next 24 hrs.
If you're reading this, odds are good I consider you a friend. Thanks for standing beside me the last 24 hrs, weeks, month, 6 weeks, 40 years. However long we have been friends. But most especially the last 330 days. January 31, 2011 was the beginning of the worst year in my entire life. My life will never ever be the same again. With the healing touch of my Lord and Saviour, perhaps it will be bearable.
I know the He has a purpose for everything. I also know He loves me. No one in this world loved Gage more than me. However God above loved him most. Gage will never be forgotten. With that peace I will do my best to heal.
When I need to just get away I always run to my big brother. Raymond can fix everything. After cowboy church we drove to Oklahoma of all places, lol, and spent the remainder of the day laughing, talking and just being together. I didn't even cry until everyone was asleep.
Major points for me.
Shawn wasn't able to come. His grandmother isn't doing well so he needed to go be with her. I know that I am failing him as a wife right now. It breaks my heart but I'm failing at a lot of things currently. Tressie is a beautiful woman, a sweet and wonderful soul. Like Gage, I'm sure she is ready to go home and be set free from a broken body and long time of illness. Selfishly I pray it's not her time yet. I just don't know if I can be the same rock for Shawn that he has been for me the past 5 months.
But for today, I'm going to try to just breathe and get through the next 24 hrs.
If you're reading this, odds are good I consider you a friend. Thanks for standing beside me the last 24 hrs, weeks, month, 6 weeks, 40 years. However long we have been friends. But most especially the last 330 days. January 31, 2011 was the beginning of the worst year in my entire life. My life will never ever be the same again. With the healing touch of my Lord and Saviour, perhaps it will be bearable.
I know the He has a purpose for everything. I also know He loves me. No one in this world loved Gage more than me. However God above loved him most. Gage will never be forgotten. With that peace I will do my best to heal.
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